Bellicose man in zebra outfit gets 90 days for drunken antics

zebra-dog-costume

In the nearly 20 years of daily journalism I never had the pleasure of penning a quote as delicious as that which appeared in last week’s Edmonton Journal.

“Grappling with a drunk zebra is not the easiest thing in the world,” John Huget told the publication, referring to brawl he was forced to engage in earlier this year after a “confused and extraordinarily drunk” Marshall Ron Mann, garbed in sunglasses, a baseball cap and full-body zebra costume, wandered into Huget’s home.

Mann had been at a costume party earlier in the evening, then had taken a taxi. He thought he had made his way to a friend’s house, but wound up at a row of duplexes that looked alike.

Huget found the striped intruder in his living room at 1:30 a.m., as Huget’s wife and newborn daughter slept nearby.

According to the Journal, the situation quickly turned violent when Mann refused to depart.

“When I told him he had to leave, he got hostile with me,” Huget said. “He said no.”

The situation quickly deteriorated. Mann threw a drunken punch that glanced off Huget’s face. The pair struggled and Huget eventually forced Mann back outside and onto the lawn while his wife called police.

Once outside, the 24-year-old Mann proceeded to urinate on Huget’s tree. Along the way, Mann dropped his wallet, allowing Huget to call and inform a 911 dispatcher as to the belligerent zebra’s identity.

This didn’t sit well with Mann, who charged Huget, arms swinging.

“He eventually got tired of trying to punch me and started biting me,” Huget, 32, said. “Grappling with a drunk zebra is not the easiest thing in the world.”

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CNN noted for diligent efforts to ignore journalism protocol

CNN parody

MAD magazine’s latest issue, titled “The 20 Dumbest People, Events and Things of 2014” includes the above graphic, which focuses on CNN’s relentless – and some might argue, mindless – coverage of Flight 370, the Malaysia Airlines flight which disappeared on March 8 while flying from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.

In the wake of the disaster, CNN proceeded to devote hundreds of hours hypothesizing about the fate of the flight, filling air with random speculation, countless “experts,” many of whom really had little to offer viewers other than the fact that they had no idea what happened, and a number of truly bizarre theories.

Among “lowlights“: A CNN anchor asking a former U.S. Department of Transportation inspector general if a black hole might have sucked the plane out of the sky; and the idea that something “supernatural” happened to the flight.

Yes, other networks didn’t acquit themselves much better in their coverage of Flight 370, but CNN certainly seemed most desperate to make a silk purse out of sow’s ear.

Expect more of the same when the one-year anniversary of the flight’s disappearance rolls around in three months.

(HT: jimromenesko.com)

Falcons’ marketing department takes a short siesta

falcons graphic

It’s long been a running joke that football players are better known for brawn than brains. Apparently, the marketing department of at least one professional football team didn’t pay all that much attention in college, either.

The Atlanta Falcons will be in London this weekend to play the Detroit Lions, part of the National Football League’s effort to broaden its fan base.

To give Falcons fans an inside look at the team’s journey across the Atlantic, the club posted the above infographic detailing the travel schedule.

Someone’s lack of geography knowledge could have proven costly, as the graphic showed the team traveling first to Baltimore and then to somewhere in Spain, rather than London, which would have left them more than 900 miles south of Wembley Stadium.

Fortunately, the Falcons were alerted to the mistake and corrected the error, greatly diminishing chances that a group of extremely large, muscular and no doubt irate men would be left wandering the confines of Barcelona Airport.

(HT: Deadspin)

11-year-old me on why ancient man steered clear of Office Depot

Lunar_eclipse_April_15_2014_California_Alfredo_Garcia_Jr1

Word is we had a lunar eclipse down our way early this morning. The event offered me an opportunity to recall how utterly obtuse I was 40 years or so ago.

Last night, as I dropped my girls off at their mother’s house, we discussed the eclipse. They explained how they were considering getting up around 5 a.m. to view the unusual celestial occurrence. They had a basic understanding of what caused the event and were excited to see it.

As I drove home, I recalled that when I was the age of my youngest daughter, 11, I not only didn’t understand what an eclipse was, I was utterly unfamiliar with the word. As evidence, I can recall the first time I heard about the concept of an eclipse.

My mother was attempting to explain that people can be afraid of that which they do not understand and was describing how ancient societies were often very superstitious and fearful of rare phenomena. Among things that confused and frightened prehistoric people, she explained, were eclipses.

As I was unacquainted with the word, and not a particularly bright 11-year old, my ears only caught the second part of the word, “clips,” and my mind immediately wandered to “paper clips.”

With an ignorant arrogance not unknown among 11-year-old boys, I immediately thought, “Wow, what a bunch of morons – afraid of paper clips! Ha! Ha! Ha!” Mind you, I wasn’t confident enough in this anthropological assessment to voice this view to my mother; I simply sat there in smug, silent awe that a group of people could be afraid of office supplies.

Sure, paper clips could be exasperating when they got all looped together, and they could cause some really agony if the end of one got under a fingernail, but any society that was afraid of paper clips must have been a pretty pathetic one, I reasoned.

Looking back, I don’t know at what point I finally learned what an eclipse actually was, or at what point I realized what it was my mother had been talking about, but some years later I made the connection that I’d been off base – way off base.

Needless to say, my girls – who are a bit wiser and certainly more intuitive than their father was at their age – always get a chuckle out of that story. And there’s certainly no shortage of similar tales for me to regale them with. I guess that’s one of the few benefits of having been a dense kid.

(Top: Lunar eclipse seen earlier this year. Not pictured: Paper clip.)

Simpler, natural lifestyle of ‘olden days’ left something to be desired

dead by 35

In fairness, infant mortality likely kept life-expectancy figures low for prehistoric man.

But among those who made it into adulthood, even the most mundane problems associated with lack of medical care – i.e. rotting teeth, hemorrhoids, sinus infections, etc. – probably made them wish they were dead.

And, as far as I knew, deaths due to injuries incurred during mastodon hunts are way down over the past few millennia.

Amazon.com: Saving us from ourselves, one cartoon at a time

tom and jerryMedia outlets are reporting that Amazon Prime Instant Video is warning subscribers who view old Tom and Jerry cartoons that the venerable series may depict scenes of “racial prejudice.”

The cartoons, produced between 1940 and 1957, are being tagged by Amazon for its depiction of a black maid and for the use of blackface in some episodes.

Tom and Jerry: The Complete Second Volume is accompanied by this warning: “Tom and Jerry shorts may depict some ethnic and racial prejudices that were once commonplace in American society. Such depictions were wrong then and are wrong today.”

Amazon’s warning says such prejudice was once “commonplace” in US society, according to the BBC.

The warning was attacked as “empty-headed” by sociology professor Frank Furedi of the University of Kent, who said it was a form of a “false piousness” and a type of censorship which “seems to be sweeping cultural life.”

“We’re reading history backwards, judging people in the past by our values,” Furedi said.

Tom and Jerry was a longtime mainstay on American and British children’s programming, and can still be seen today.

However, it does seem rather difficult to believe that there’s a need to attach a warning to a children’s cartoon that identifies the stereotyping of blacks as wrong. Blackface is pretty much accepted as verboten in our culture today and has been for several decades.

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Starbucks: The more you know, and all that …

I don’t drink Starbucks for one singular reason: I don’t drink coffee.

I had a half a cup when I was 11 years old and it tasted like boiled tar – or at least what I assumed boiled tar would taste like – even when heavily dosed with sugar and cream, and I’ve never had an urge to repeat the experience.

That said, I can say with certainty that neither me nor my wallet are the Starbucks’ type.

The one time I did stop into the local store and asked for a Coke, I was told in a snotty tone by a 20-something “barista,” who had with more piercings than I cared to count, that “We don’t served carbonated beverages here.”

He said it in a tone as though I’d requested an omelette made from the eggs of the last two California condors remaining on Earth.

I will confess that I’m not certain what Starbucks’ customer training entails, but I suspect shaming and self-righteousness are key components.

(HT: VisibleFriends.net)